You’ve felt it. The grocery store line where someone cuts in front of you without a word. The Twitter thread that explodes into personal attacks before anyone even finishes reading. The political rally where shouting drowns out the speaker. You’ve probably asked yourself: When did everyone become such an asshole?
But here’s the thing nobody wants to admit: We’ve been told the problem is a lack of civility. The real problem is that incivility works.
Let me be clear from the start: this isn’t a left-wing or right-wing take. The right blames the left for “cancel culture.” The left blames the right for “Trumpism.” Both are missing the point. The real villain isn’t a political party—it’s a system that has systematically rewarded the most aggressive, selfish, and boundary-pushing behavior for decades.
Think about it. The loudest person at the town hall gets the mic. The politician who refuses to shake hands gets the headlines. The influencer who starts a feud gets the engagement. The CEO who breaks the rules gets the bonus. Assholery isn’t a moral failure—it’s a rational, incentivized response to a broken incentive structure.
You’ve seen this in your own life. The coworker who takes credit for your work? They got the promotion. The driver who cuts you off? They got to the red light three seconds earlier. The commenter who posts the most outrageous take? They got the retweets. The system rewards the bite, not the bark.
And here’s the twist that will make you uncomfortable: What if the assholes are the ones who understand the system best?
They’ve figured out that norms are just social contracts with no enforcement. They’ve realized that the cost of being polite is invisible—you lose opportunities you never see. They’ve learned that the loudest voice, the most extreme position, the most aggressive move—those are the ones that get noticed, rewarded, remembered.
This isn’t new. The Tammany Hall machine of the 19th century thrived on bribes and backroom deals. The Gilded Age robber barons crushed competitors without mercy. But there was a difference: the old assholes operated in the shadows. They knew they were breaking the rules. Today’s assholes are now celebrated—given TV shows, book deals, and millions of followers.
We’ve crossed a threshold. Not just of incivility, but of honesty. We’ve stopped pretending that being nice pays off, because it doesn’t.
The result? A society where everyone feels justified in their own small acts of aggression. The parent who screams at the soccer referee. The customer who berates the cashier. The neighbor who lets their dog bark all night. Each one thinks: Everyone else is doing it. Why should I be the sucker who follows the rules?
This is the tragedy of the commons applied to civility. The shared resource of trust and cooperation is being depleted, one selfish act at a time. And the worst part? We can’t even agree on what the problem is, because each side is too busy pointing fingers at the other.
But here’s the truth that will make everyone mad: The asshole problem is not about Trump or Biden. It’s about the structure of modern life—media fragmentation, algorithmic amplification, winner-take-all markets, and the death of shared narratives.
So what do we do? Stop pretending that moralizing will fix it. Stop calling for a return to “civility” when the system rewards the opposite. Start understanding that this is a game theory problem, not a character flaw. And ask yourself: Are you part of the problem, or are you ready to change the incentives?
Because the threshold isn’t just crossed. It’s been paved over, and we’re all driving on it.
FAQ
Q: Isn't this just excusing bad behavior by blaming 'the system'?
A: No. Explaining why something happens is not the same as excusing it. Understanding the incentives is the first step to changing them. If we keep treating assholery as a moral failure, we'll keep prescribing moral lectures—which clearly aren't working.
Q: What practical actions can I take to resist this trend?
A: Start by being aware of the incentives in your own life. Reward the behavior you want to see: give credit publicly, call out systems that reward aggression, and opt out of platforms that amplify outrage. Most importantly, stop expecting the rules to change if you keep playing by the old ones.
Q: Doesn't this argument let Trump and MAGA off the hook?
A: Not at all. Trump and his ilk are symptoms, not causes. They succeeded because they perfectly exploited the incentive structure. The real question is: why does that structure exist? Blaming one party lets the other off the hook for the same system that both sides have helped build.